Sunday, February 15, 2004
I was driving down the road on my way back to Nova, trying to call up Dave to settle my turbulent spirit and to make peace with him. I don't care if he wants to ignore me for a while, because frankly i dont feel much like repouring my heart out to him either. Anyway, it was really funny the three things I was considering:
1. get wildly drunk and doing everything I've ever been curious about, things that could potentially hurt both Dave and I. Obviously this choice was out of the running very quickly, but it was a choice nonetheless.
2. prostrate myself entirely in submission for the health of our relationship, going over what I perceived myself doing wrong, begging forgiveness, and vowing to try earnestly to never allow myself to get so out of control ever again. This was a much more realistic possibility, but rereading the anger and spite I recorded lastnight to Ingenuous, I felt that I deserved to retain more dignity than this option would have allowed. After all, only by trying to be more fun did I end up ruining the night
3. Fuck and number three is the default option. Leave him a nice little voicemail and wait on his fucking whim to open the lines and communicate with me again. Fuck I'm starting to get aggrivated again. I was all for #2 in the car and now that i'm back and the work is piling and I'm so distracted, just pretending it isnt there is looking awfully inviting...
Off to force myself to concentrate.
Elizabeth posted this at 6:32 PM.
Friday, January 16, 2004
Second semester of my second year at college and I already have a day off during the week. Granted, I dropped Biochemistry, leaving me with Thermodynamics, Ethics, Fluid Mechanics, Air Pollution Control, and Physics Lab, plus a one credit Beethoven workshop, so I have only 14 credits. Technically I'm an upper level junior, much like my male counterpart who is two years older than me. (Sorry hunny, but it tickles my ego.)
Speaking of my soulmate, we're getting along famously. He is right for me, and I am so in love with him. He tells me things that strike a chord in my soul because they're on the exact same frequency as my feelings. Its truly incredible that we've found each other, and feel so strongly for one another.
In other news, I formatted my computer, ridding it of viruses, popups, and this horrendous screetching sound that ceased when i muted it, but that meant no music. Now it's running wonderfully. The only problem is that I cannot find the software to load my printer! Kind of a tragedy. Means I'll be making lots of trips to the printing labs on campus.
I am excited about this semester because I am able to have a vehicle on campus. True, it's my mom's minivan (read "shaggin' waggon" hahaha) but it gets from here to there without too much trouble.
Me and Krista are the dynamic duo livin' it up, getting involved in various inane adventures, but i have to say it's a damn good time.
Thats about all I have to say for now.
Elizabeth posted this at 3:43 PM.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
My little sister Theresa had to write a bio of the saint whose name she chose as her confirmation name, and on the person she chose as her sponsor. She asked me, and wrote the following:
"The person I chose for my Conformation sponsor is my sister, Elizabeth. She was born March 17, 1984 to two chemists. She is the oldest of four and loves her siblings very much and makes them all feel special for who they are. In dealing with ulcerative colitis and many stomach illnesses as a child, she thought she wanted to be a doctor like all those who had helped her.
Elizabeth attended grammar school at Our Lady of Mount Virgin, graduating in 1998 and receiving the Literature and Science awards. She then entered Bishop Ahr high school in the fall. She then realized her love for science and math through her aunt and mother, both teachers at the school. She also developed a deep love for helping people in need. She sang at nursing homes during the holidays, volunteered at many shelters, helped coordinate clothing drives, and tutored peers in science and math.
She graduated as salutatorian of her class in 2002, receiving both the Math and Science Academic Awards, but she regarded her Christian Service Award for a four-year total of 250 hours as even more significant. Keeping with the tradition of her Catholic education, she attended Villanova University on a full scholarship. She was still interested in science, but no longer had the desire to be a doctor. Instead she chose the major of chemical engineering to better the world of medicine through pharmaceuticals.
Currently in her second year at Villanova, she is a Engineering peer mentor, a liturgical minister at the student Masses, a volunteer tutor in chemistry, physics, and calculus. She is also a Up 'Til Dawn team leader, which writes letters asking for donations to support St. Jude's Children's Hospital. On her fall break, she went to Robbins, Tennessee to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, a nonprofit organization that builds houses for underprivileged families.
In my eyes, my sister Elizabeth is one of the most amazing and compassionate people you may ever meet. I know that I am privileged to know her and that she is a very special person with a very special person with a very special purpose. I love her very much and know she will make an excellent sponsor."
She sent me this at the perfect time. I was having a rough day and she made me feel great about myself. I love her so much.
Elizabeth posted this at 7:42 PM.
Friday, November 14, 2003
This morning I went to see Erin, my "psycologist" at the counseling center here. I came into her office crying...
Dave was telling me this morning how he was gunna punish his supervisor or whatever he is by not telling him til the last minute that he wasn't coming in to work next Saturday. I thought that was such an immature sentiment, and told Dave he should take the high road, but he explained that it would force the guy to cover a slot, which he's never lived up to. I still didn't agree, and as anyone might, Dave said, "whatever, bye." and hung up. I felt like he shut down my opinion and made me feel belittled.
I started to tell her about my relationship with Dave, how we thought we were soulmates, how we had not-so-whimsical plans about getting married, etc. Then I confessed to her that a while back, over the summer I think it was, I told Dave that I didn't want to consider ourselves engaged. Situations like these are the very reason. He doesn't have the same beliefs about how to treat other people that I do. Honestly, right now I think the most important thing to Dave is getting his life in order physically and financially. He has made tremendous efforts to lose weight and gain muscle, but when the going is slow, or when he has a bad day, or if he's having a bad self image, he becomes miserable and inconsolable. This is pretty frustrating, but everyone has bad days... a few times a week... right? Anyway, I'm a pretty big on the fact that the person you become is dictated by the choices you make. And I feel decisions like these shape who Dave is becoming, and I don't always like it, moreover, I'm afraid of it. I felt disrespected this morning, much like the way my mom feels when my dad tries to exert his "superiority" over her. Dave and I are going through a weird time in our relationship right now, especially in terms of where we're both headed in our lives. He claims that he gave up his dream of becoming a marshall for me, but I wonder if he'd have done it if we never got together. If we never got together... I think about that sometimes. I told Erin, sometimes I feel that I'm missing out on a lot in terms of the dating game now that I'm in this relationship. There is no going out with one guy to the movies one night, and going ice skating with another the next, like there was in high school. Do I feel resentment about this? No, not really. But what if it gets to the point in which I decide I can't marry Dave based on the person he's become? People can change, and do. Sometimes drastic and sometimes not. That's what a lot of people have confused about marriage in the first place. No, you can't guarantee a couple will be perfectly happy for the rest of their lives because they do change and grow. But, that doesn't mean that the changing and growing has to be apart. In fact, a good marriage is one in which struggles and issues are confronted together, problems are debated, dicussed, and talked out, interests are shared and enjoyed, and love is constantly present. Are Dave and I up for a lifetime of that?
Erin and I talked about my feelings of inadequacy today, primarily physically and socially. I am very confident in my intellect, spirituality, relationship with my family, and ability and willingness to help others. I deduced that my social apprehension stems from the physical insecurity. Well great, we have it narrowed down to one thing, I thought. As I brought up different elements of my life in which my inadequacy most came into play, Erin told me that one of my great strengths was my propensity for observation. Another thing we talked about was the way I react to the way people look. I am a hypocrite in that I believe physical appearance says nothing about a person, but at the same time, the first way I judge a person is by the way they look. And honestly, I don't think that can be helped- the first thing you know about a person you meet is what they look like. Perhaps, then, what I mean by my belief that physical appearance means nothing is that once you get to know people in depth, you realize that there is no pattern by which people who look a certain way must necessarily be a certain way. It really felt freeing to admit some of the prejudices I have. For example, if I were to walk into a room and I had the choice to sit next to a beautiful girl that looked like a model or next to a homely looking girl, I would most definitely choose the latter. I explained to Erin: in my mind, I would identify physically with the homely girl and think that she's probably been through the same sorts of things that I've been trhough, ie, lacking confidence in herself, feeling like a black sheep in our society that overemphasizes physical beauty, perhaps even knowing what it's like to be ridiculed, like I once was. If I were to sit next to the model, my imagination would create a dialogue. She would feel disgusted or repulsed by someone who was not physically attractive, and would judge me as unworthy of her time. In response to that, I would think to myself, well I have brains, and will be making six-figures some day. Where's she gunna get with just her looks and shallow, flimsy personality? I was a bit embarrased to admit this to Erin, and even to this blog, but it's a healthy kind of embarrasment. The kind that keeps me in check from thinking too highly of myself.
Humble and abject,
Elizabeth posted this at 10:20 AM.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Saturday I took the train to Absecon where Lynsay picked me up and drove me to Stockton College. I met her stoner friend Larry who was playing PS2 on a tv on top of another, on which he was watching Cartoon Network. He had messy longish brown hair and the oldest looking tshirt and jeans I had ever seen. He just eminated coolness. He drove Lynsay's car because his was home due to a DUI. We arrived at this wildlife reservation area that you could drive through at 15mph. The way he would take out his mini telescope thing, meticulously focus it on a bird, and scribble down its genus and species in his tattered leatherbound notebook showed me that drama and complication is not the way to derive pleasure out of life. By enjoying something as simple as two mallards plunging under water for food, Lynsay, Larry, and I shared an experience so profound and so deep that we instantaneously connected as friends in a much deeper capacity.
Lynsay is one person in my life that knows me better than I do. She can sense exactly what's going through my head when I'm too confused to realize it. She extracts a sense of adventure and aliveness whenever we hang out. It's funny, we've only been best friends since fourth grade after we got into a pretty intense fight in art class. However, I feel like we've known each other since our souls were first created. Her excitement and newness is staggering to me, the star of her essence has just exploded into a fiery existence, while mine burns with the constancy of generations of experience. In high school, I used to fancy myself as a patient parent awaiting the return of an exploring child. Though I knew the right path, I had to let her find it for herself. When I got to college, my attitude of our friendship changed dramatically. She had broken down the walls of hesitation and reservation, allowing me to fully become my potential. I took on the challenges and experiences she had already seen, ones that I had deemed unsuitable for me. Knowing she had been through it gave me courage to do it. I owe her the gratitude of discovering myself. I love her and hope we stay best friends for the remainder of our temporal lives, and that our souls may unite in eternity.
Elizabeth posted this at 1:52 PM.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Have you ever gotten upset or had a fight, but later on forgotten what it was about while retaining the negative feelings? It sucks. It is frustrating and confusing and prolongs the hurt, perhaps unnecessarily. I feel drained emotionally, and very prone to physical upset. I want to scream and cry and beat my denim reading pillow to a fluffy pulp.
Perhaps we invent troubles and turmoil so that we are sure our relationships stay strong. Perhaps we cannot function without something to quarrel over. I just know that it shouldn't be that way. It leaves people feeling bad or sad or mad. Why is it that the people we love most have the ability to hurt us the worst? I think it is because we open ourselves the widest to those we love. This is a double edged sword, for not only do we allow great amounts of love to be poured into our souls, but we also intensely vulnerable to any hurt, purposed or unintentional, that may come our way from those we care about most deeply.
Why is it that we write best (or most often) when we're "unhappy"? (I am very careful with how I use the concept of happiness.) Who wants to write when they are full of joy and fully conscious of their happiness? This is why we write best upset. We are full of emotion and thought and reflection and hurt that is just waiting to be poured out in one form or another. Some write, exercise, scream, hurt other people, read, do math problems (don't dare make fun of me), sing, drive, etc., but if you think about it they are all releases for pent up energy.
It is nearly tomorrow and I must prepare for my three quizzes.
Goodnight and God bless.
Elizabeth posted this at 11:41 PM.